बीड़ी बाज़ उस्ताद : Baby, Don’t Be So Uptight

एक बीड़ी हुमे भी पिला दो भाई साहब। जब एक बूढ़े सफाई वाले को बीड़ी पीते देखा, तो तलब रुक नहीं पाई और मैंने बीड़ी मांग ही ली। उस भले इंसान ने अपनी बीड़ी मुझे दे दी और बताया की वो उसकी आखरी बीड़ी थी। 

कहो तो अभी जाके एक नया बण्डल ला दूं? भाई साहब ने पूछा। आपने पूछा बस वही बड़ी बात है, मैंने मुस्कुराते हुए कहा और कर्ज़दार हो गया एक बीड़ी बाज़ उस्ताद का। 

Why people get offended and hurt and upset, it is because of the following two reasons. Simple to understand things are often hard to grasp. The following few words are hard, but they are less hard than my life’s only purposeful piece of existence that resides in my crotch waiting for a soft touch.

You are offensive

There is a person sitting in front of me in a party where we both are invited. He is fat and we both know this for a fact and not as an opinion. Everybody with a working pair of eyes can see the hairy hole in his belly that tries to poke its face out of his shirt. Just so you know, coincidentally, that guy also is ugly and stupid. If you also happen to be fat and ugly and stupid, you are not being talked about. Getting back to the theme, that guy was fat. And ugly. And also stupid. I could have told him that he can take over the world if he thinks big and believes in himself and his dreams. Instead, I didn’t interfere with his life and left him alone with his beer and cared none about him. Offense withheld. The next time when I see a person who is fat and ugly and stupid and try to relate their actions and thoughts with their attributes, that’s being offensive. And some way or the other that offensive will find its way. Either through my mouth or through my behaviours and will obviously leave an impression on other person’s head. When I mean somebody is being offensive, I see them unconsciously criticising and judging and labeling some particular part of human population having certain features and qualities. Talking to the person sitting in front of you is what matters rather than forcing your shitty opinions down other’s throats. I follow this rule and not care about those whose value in my life doesn’t exist. Exceptions to this rule include crying homeless non-predatory animals, hungry torn-clothed drunkards, and rosy-faced teary-eyed unknown helpless pregnant women. They do need care.


People take offense

People have in their heads a certain image of themselves. It is called self-image to be a little specific. And what we do at times as a natural and obvious thing, it hurts the self-image of some fancy-assed pompously English-speaking human beings. Like that girl who was butthurt when I got a person to help us out with a project that we were planning about. It was her organization and I was supposed to take permission from her before doing anything. Her thoughts of herself that had possessed her head with lone wolf sort of entrepreneurship strategy were challenged. Or that guy whom I called a slut-shamer for unnecessarily bashing guys who were getting laid more than he was. His bubble of an inflated sense of self of being a moralizer was burst. If somebody is getting hurt because of their self-created perception of the world, of how things should happen and believe that their egos need to be constantly stroked with professional ethics, those people deserve to get hurt. And I am not responsible for that. Nobody is responsible for that except them. I don’t surround myself with niceness seeking people who like it when a person’s tongue is jammed to their exit-only hole. And whenever such people get me on their radar or the other way round, they end up getting offended. If it hurt so bad, put a band-aid on your fragile heart that beats for self-validation and sunglass your eyes that fail to accept the reality of the world around you. Exceptions to this rule include mentally undernourished people, teenage couples having coffee with hearts shining on their faces and parents who are feeding an unemployed youth undergoing life’s crisis.

This sums up the entire journey of being offensive and feeling the same. Don’t ask for permission, beg for forgiveness. James Altucher says so. Live and let die. I say so. Do your bit and no bullshit. A friend used to say so. Pick the best, fuck the rest.

अगले दिन एक भाई साहब ने बीड़ी जलाने के लिए माचिस मांगी। मैंने माचिस जला के उनकी बीड़ी सुलगा दी और अपना कर्ज़ चुका दिया। जय माँ काली। 



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