You there or shall I leave?

You face that dark gigantic blanket that has uncountable sparkling entities in it. The blanket stares back at you. So do the entities. There is a structure being formed that has seven such entities. You see it and make a guess. Guess that it might be Sapta Rishi. You’re right. There are a few more. You don’t know which one is really the one you actually know. Ursa Major. Ursa Minor. Orion. Whatever. Those sparkling entities, when they get together in a particular fashion, it becomes a structure. Everything doesn’t have to be named. Looking at things and enveloping their beauty is more than enough to calm your chaotic mind. Your mind that stays in a constant search for novelty and is driven by dopamine, it is hard to keep that mind easy and relaxed. Very hard it is. Even harder than what your dick turns into after reading Lolita. That hard it is to keep your mind in a state of serenity.

You tried to seek enlightenment and inner truth, only to open your eyes after three minutes of listening to your inner monologue. Earlier you used to dive deep into your inner ocean of humanly existence with your eyes closed for more than 20 minutes. Now even five minutes of closed eye silence makes you feel restless. You open your eyes and say this is total bullshit. It makes no sense today when your mind races between things you want to do but are not actually doing them. Such is your life. You didn’t get enlightened. You are in spiritual pain whether you realise it or not. What all is happening in your life, it takes the following way –

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Inside that huge wooden object that has a handle attached to each of the two long doors it has, there lies a machine. It is crying for you to pick it up and move your fingers through its face. It has forgotten the feelings of your touch for you are too busy seeking opportunities and sleeping. Why don’t you pick it up and read the books it has. And yeah, don’t leave the new book unread just like you have been doing for the past few books. You start. You read. You lose interest. You say fuck off. And then that book is never read again. Some books are not worth reading because they simply go over your head. Leaving them of course, stay on track with those that are genuinely great. Today, get back to the machine that you ordered from Amazon in 2015 and do something for yourself. Treat yourself to a great book. The confidence game, finish that one today. The machine longs for you. It is waiting for your touch.

The entities are now gone. A gigantic spherical ball of fire and helium is making the atmosphere warm. You wonder why lovers don’t give each other a piece of this glowing warm ball…. it could keep them warm on cold nights. Why lovers promise to break and gift those entities and disrupt the structure the entities were originally in? Why lovers plan go to that cold white spherical spotted place? The fire-ball too is a heavenly body and demands respect from cupid smitten preadolescent lovers. Anyways, the fire-ball makes our environment bright while your inner world still stays dark and unlit. You wonder if this is only you. And as soon as that thought comes, you know you’re the one who loves night more than day. You may be alone, but it doesn’t bother you. After all, it is darkness that you crave and night that you love. What difference will it make when somebody will accompany you in your journey? You won’t be able to see them in dark.

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When you finish the work that you yourself love to do, it gives you immense joy. When you finish the work for others that you personally hate doing, you feel even more joy. What you wanna do is fine; you’ll do it without expecting anything. But when you do something for others, it gets you recognition. Credits. Money. Admiration. Blah blah blah. You feel the need of being approved for an immediate ego boost. After a few minutes or maybe after a few hours, all that is history. History that shall always stay confined to the sea of  your memories and no scholarly kid would ever read it. You will bear the burden of your history and move on.

Moving on is walking with a spoon in your mouth that has a lemon placed in it. You wait for your lemon to fall so that you can pick it up and see how far you have really come. Then see how far other people have come. Then start moving once again. All the way while you move on, your lemon keeps on falling and you constantly keep a check on how far have you come. While you do this, you forget that the sole purpose of going far is to lose sight of where you began from. When you travel, forgetting the initial point and heading straight to the final point matters. Nobody’s gonna ask you to calculate distance. Or displacement. Or speed. Or velocity. Or acceleration. It is your journey and the only person who can ask you questions is you. And you are busy writing blog. Do you think there is full freedom to let go and move on? Press save before you begin to think. Yeah, done.

Your skull has those two watery white cosco balls with a moderately big black spot on them. There was a time when they used to shine with amazement. Now they seem tired and lifeless. Occasionally there comes a wave of excitement and they brighten with joy. You wait for some miracle to occur. Heavens are not showering happiness. Fairies are not hugging you. This boredom might save you of the spiritual pain you are in for meditation is not really working. Angels are not coming to rescue you. It has been a while since you listened to the sound of your own laughter. Go and treat yourself to the book you started. All things can wait and will wait. But if these black spotted cosco balls lose their vision and hope, it shall be hard to get back where you began from. See ya.

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