Between the intermingled thoughts of existential crisis and self identity, I am sitting here wondering how to write as eloquently as my might spares. And I chose to write the way I write the best. Tomorrow is my birthday (this I wrote on 20th Nov) and just like I pledged the last year, I pledge once again – Next year I will spend my birthday with my lover. Last year she was the one who introduced me to WhatsApp. Seriously speaking. I hadn’t used data pack for last one and half year but she changed it all. My frugality still remains, but now enveloped with some generosity over myself. I thought (last year) I would have my birthday celebration when she would give me a french kiss. On Nov 14 after a few months of smoking with her, our ways parted. I didn’t get that kiss. Last year was spent alone reading some book on evolution or psychology or whatever.
This year too, I am alone writing this piece at 23:11 at my grandparents’ place. They are sleeping and my grandfather just gave out a loud snore. After I finish this, I’ll use his phone for hotspot in my phone. I have 1GB data plan activated with 910 MB remaining. That reveals something about me that I was trying to figure out for a long time. I’m still figuring out myself and building an integrated personality although I have not been regular with my psychology work for the last two weeks. But I still do feel I’m better than how I was before.
I wonder sitting here about the people who have countdowns to their birthdays. I have 45 minutes remaining. At 12 AM it will be 21 Nov, my birthday. I don’t celebrate because I don’t like the feeling I get after celebrating my birthday. And I terribly hate all that cake cutting ceremony after blowing off the candles. I am trying hard to hold my bladder and to not use cuss words. Anyways, I had good time in the last one year although I am still longing for a french kiss on my birthday. If anyone of you reading this is into me, do let me know.
Today was a really fun day spent in two different events. Thanks to Divakar Sharma and to his blessings from the hills (that was good but I wished it lasted long…..that’s our private talk, don’t try to understand). One of the events was plain and sophisticated kind of fun. The other one was capturing and imaginative kind of fun. I have my first exam on 24, second on 26 and without even knowing a piece of syllabus I am planning where to sneak in after I attend the queer cultural event on 25th night. Welcome to my life.
I was planning what to do tomorrow and not many things came to my mind. I will of course without any doubt flush the future of our nation in toilet while imagining my past romantic fixations. Other than that my exercise routine will go ahead. Tomorrow I’ll attempt for the first time extended range of motion handstand pushups while facing the wall. That is gruesome to do and I’m expecting at least three sets of four reps on that one. I’ll make a video of that sometime later.
Also, my facebook timeline posting is off so I won’t have to deal with birthday posts. Although people will message me on WhatsApp and facebook which I am in no way or the other obliged to reply with a thanks to. It’s my birthday and I’m not happy. I am just the way I was before and I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m thrifty, okay I buy that, no problem.
Tomorrow I’ll make something out of my hands when I get back to my home. One of the things I will make is cake. I’ll add some raisins in it and not share it with anyone. Privacy please. And I will make some piece of craft for myself. I haven’t made anything for myself for a long time. I really wonder what are you doing right now, Khushhaal Gamta and Aayush Grover. I’m waiting to see you soon. Also, I miss being with you dear. I am expecting a call from you. By the time you read this, I would have had my self pleasure session to your warm and affectionate memories. Sometimes I’m a testosterone laden raging bull, don’t mind, you still are special.
After writing all the thoughts that were popping in my three pound miracle, I have a deep thing to share. I sometimes feel a tingle down my gut when I’m laying on my bed imagining before sleep, how great of a life would I have had if I had a healthy psycho-sexual development and somebody to hold my hand and reveal the depths of emotional intelligence while I was growing up. I have never had someone before you who gave me a view of masculinity minus the bullshit. Thanks to Digvijay Singh. All through my teenage years I wished I had somebody to develop emotional intimacy towards without realizing how distant I was from myself. I would always remember my time spent with you Arun Sharma, the sweet non-adult seducer (Hahaha). I’m not always this grateful even if I say I am. Sorry. Thank you. Please. I avoid them. Not because I’m rude, but that’s what I feel like doing without feeling shitty.
Anyways, after lot of hit and trials I finally am doing something in my life that I can proudly (with and without arrogance) say is giving me the feeling of joy within my soul that always craved a purposeful life for as long as I remember. I have gotten over a lot of my fears, insecurities and psychological defenses. Self esteem is built from the inside out, as Neil Strauss says. I am on the right path. If it were not you, I would have not been who I am now. And I’m not thanking my mom and dad, for they are family of origin. What I believe in is family of choice, and now I have it. Even though the queen is missing from it, I have a family of choice.
If I had a laptop here with me, I would have posted this now. I’ll post this tomorrow afternoon. This is 23:59.
And just now, it happened. Finally.
Happy birthday to me. Arpit Chhikara is officially 21 year old. Biologically I’ll have to wait for five more hours as I was born at 5 in morning in the auspicious hour. Now, let’s get the hotspot on and see what’s new on James Altucher’s and Neil Strauss’s blog.