I am not too huge like the bros you find at the gym. Personally, I feel sorry for those folks who cant even get their hand to wipe their ass because of their huge muscular biceps and likewise crap. Anyways, fuck them. Last month my friend arranged for an evening visit to a place that is often crowded with giants having tiny and almost non existent brains. It is a total shithole, but commonly called commercial gym. My visit was for free so I agreed like I always do to some selective free things. I am even laughing at that evening’s experience while writing. Come on man, what sort of people are there in there. Really. I have been exercising for a few years and have been to that shithole (read gym) before, many fucking times. And every time I train in there, two things are common. I find bros pumping all around and bros pumping all around. Not that pumping is bad, but stupid people lifting iron is really +!@#$&*@%. Read that again and let it sink in. Feel the reps bro, feel the reps.
The first thing that pissed me off was even before I actually entered. Maybe it was an omen of the shit I was about to experience. A huge chested bro with stretch marks on his guns (read biceps) inquired me about my dress. It was a soft fabric black coloured half sleeve shirt that I was wearing over knickerbockers. He said it was a shirt. He was a dumb ass bro who was not enlightened enough to know that fact about himself. I told him it was not a shirt. Then he began with his desi accent to show me that he was right and I was really wearing a shirt. There are some folks who try to manoeuvre their way through social situations by dropping names and acting cocky. It is nothing more than a sign of psychological insecurity and low self esteem. But being the one who fucks those kind of fuckers, I didn’t offer him my ass, instead, I said it was a not a shirt since it had a different fabric and was half sleeved, and he stopped after a few minutes of nonsensical argument. Although I knew nothing had gone inside his ill trained head, he finally gave up and began sipping something from a sipper that obviously seemed belonging to a famous protein brand. When you drink too much protein it makes your stomach acidic and generates lot of amino acid digesting substances. In short, you fart and make the world around you a total mess. I wished in my heart that he fart like watery shit that night. Fuck him. Anyways, me and my friend entered in.
Cardio is stupid and boring and exclusively for fat ass people. But still, on my friends insistence, I began walking on the treadmill at a fast pace. No problem. The mirror in the front showed how sexy my legs were looking when I was walking. A hot girl was behind me on some new agey shitty piece of cardio and I was looking at her in the mirror. She was hot in general with a little bit of tummy fat. I know why girls are so insecure about themselves, but I also do believe they look at wrong people to get validation. So I looked at her and smiled. Maybe she got creeped out. Maybe she though I was spoiling her regime. So I knew I had to move to the weights place before she could fell more of my predator vibes. Lost mate. Shit. Also, there was a rope hanging in the cardio place to show those big ass people that they are not strong enough to climb it. That’s what makes fat people wonder about themselves why they are the way they are. No wonder they feel shitty about themselves and adding to their trouble is mainstream advertising of narrow waist chicks and six pack dudes. Anyways, me and my buddy moved to the weight section upstairs. And I got terrified.
Not because of weights but of the people lifting those weights. In one corner on the right, there were two dudes with shaved legs doing squats. Shit man, I said to myself, they had shaved the hair off their fucking legs and had puny little calves. That was totally un-sexy, first thing. And those were the most wussified men I had ever ever seen in my motherfuckin life, second thing. They come there to feel more like a man and end up shaving hair off their legs. What an irony. Masculinity is not restricted to having a hairy body, I know, but it is not also about sissifying yourself. The man who shaves his body hair is a man who actually is not a man. Chuck Norris rocks. Fuck gym bros. Anyways, I looked around to find more stupid folks doing horrible lifting and felling as if they owned the fucking place. Crazy ass bros.
One bro was there with a barbell over his traps and doing squats with buckling knees and grunting like he had an orgasm with Paris Hilton. What the fuck. When you have got no balls, you don’t brag about how much you cum. Similarly, when you have got no training form, you don’t brag about how much you lift. And he too had shaved legs with puny calves. Fuck that shit. People in gym do not even know how to perform one of the most primitive human act of squatting. What a shame. And then they wanna lift some heavy ass weight and be a bodybuilder. Fuck.
There was a bro doing parallel bar dips with bars too far from each other. But he was pushing really hard to get in the reps while hurting his tendons in his shoulders. He was a gym bro after all, what could I expect out of him. Only stupidity and ‘bro’-techniques. Anyways, I began with my work.
The following is what I did all through the forty minutes or so. I made note of what I did:
- 7.5 Kg dumbbell curl and press for 10 reps
- Lat pull down 40 kg for 8 reps
- Rope face pull 30 Kg for 10 reps
- Machine overhead press 20 kg for 6 reps
- Barbell overhead press 15 Kg for 8 reps
- Incline Arnold flyes with 7.5 Kg dumbbells for 14 reps
- Renegade rows 2.5 kg for 4 reps per side
- Farmer’s walk with 20 kg dumbbells for two sets till full failure
And I was feeling great and not exhausted like those stupid ass bros. They were performing all sets for as many reps as they could to get a massive pump in a muscle, I was doing just enough reps so that my lifting form remained percent. The difference between these two approaches is what makes them bros and me, well, the bro basher. Anyways, talking about horrible lifting form I could not forget those two guys with shaved legs who had their legs day. Unballsy as they already were, they were stupid and prone to injury as well. One of them was dead lifting with his back not arched back properly. Maybe that’s why he had those skinny calves that showed how pathetic his lifting form was. Later on one of the dudes I saw was doing push-ups with his body not properly aligned and with his butt in air and sagging spine. No wonder he had no pecs to speak of.
And yeah, before I forget, the girl I was staring before, she too was in the weight section. Maybe she was missing me. So I stared back at her, again. Only to find that she was there to work out and not meet bro bashing guys like me. Anyways, I liked the way she was squatting without weights since her form and butt was way fucking better than those guys who were doing weighed squats. She then began doing calf raises which got a lot a blood flowing into my genital area. I was so excited looking at her calf raises that I had to do a set of lat pull downs to ward off that excitement. Thanks to testosterone.
There was this another girl who was doing lat pull downs, rows and curl and overall some upper body work. She was doing the right things and the things right. The only thing that she didn’t do was some overhead work. I am a big fan of overhead pressing because it keeps rotator cuffs healthy and builds massive upper body frame. Rarely do I find people doing that except for me. When I don’t train at gym, which I don’t, I practice a lot of handstand push-ups with extended ROM. Anyways, she moved on and me too.
There was this one guy who looked like a total douche bag. He was wearing a baseball cap and capri. What sort of human beings are those who wear a baseball cap to gym, I wondered. Then I looked at him again, only to realise that he was a wannabe bro. Anyways, he did his bench press with his t-shirt removed. And I was not surprised to see fucking terrible physique. He was on his way to ‘bro’-therhood. Another dude was doing one of the most stupid exercises ever developed, aka the seated front raise with dumbbells. They all want big shoulders but lift puny weights and not press overhead. What a disgust.
I was not surprised when I saw people there doing endless number of curls and chest work. The only muscles that they train are the muscles that they can see in the mirror. Maybe that’s why they don’t look great in swimsuits and thin dudes like me do.
Things that I didn’t find at the gym:
- Intelligence – it is mutually exclusive and indirectly proportional to weight lifting and broscience
- Healthy self esteem – that’s why gyms exist and bros lift, to hide psychological issues behind big muscles
- Lifting form – if that came in sometime, there would be bros competing in ‘Olympics’ and not in ‘Olympia’
- Overhead pressing – because they only work their pecs and guns and are not man enough to lift weight over their heads
- Pull-ups – bros are too heavy to do them
- Trap work – what the fuck is trap? Some new machine, huh?
- Big monstrous necks – because they all are sissies and don’t know how to train the most important muscle and joint in human body
Things that I found in the gym:
- Stupidity – pretty obvious
- Poor lifting form – again, so fucking obvious
- Dudes with shaved legs – they have lost touch with their manliness since the last time they felt manly was looking at puppies and smelling flowers
- Big chests – that’s what makes them a bro and it is what girls like, dumb ass (nor empirically true)
- Pencil necks – they are not smart and man enough to train their necks and become hulk like beasts
- Stretch marks – direct consequence of too much pump training and not enough strength training
- Bro split – one day for one muscle is what they do, not realising that it only works for those who have superior genetics and are juicing (taking steroids), anyways, let them just be dumb
- Protein shake – guys came in there with their sippers filled with shakes and energy drinks and shit, not knowing that muscles are built by training and not by drinking protein, anyways, that’s what makes them a bro. Fuck them.
Note – I saw a guy wearing lifting gloves. If you are not man enough to have callused hands, hand over your balls to “Grehshobha” and lift weights with gloves in your hands. Bro.